5th chemo, exam and Halloween

Thursday, October 20th, it’s time for my 5th chemo.

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I bought some grey, black and blue masks instead of the regular hospital one. Not that it makes it look better but at least I have a feeling of trying  to be original.

I’m super happy because my white cells went up and I’m not in aplasia anymore. The doctor gave me the authorization to do the chemo instead of postponing it like it might have happen. So Yes, I’m going to Paris next sunday for sure!
Thanks to the injections of Granocyte that worked better this time! Last friday, I felt the pain from it so bad in my hips and pelvis. I was walking like a 90 years old grand ma, rounding my back.

14907744_10209875831866382_582932191_oBy the way, I learn how to do the shots myself !
Normally, I do them in my belly but when I took the video, my belly was hurting so I did it in my thigh.

After this chemo, I went home to sleep for two days straight like usual.

Sunday, October 23rd

My grandma arrived from Lebanon this morning for few weeks. I stay with her a bit before taking my train to Paris.
It’s pretty funny because I don’t think she really realized that she can’t give me a kiss or hug and so she went into full mode hugging and kissing me everywhere on my cheeks. And I could see my mom turning pale, scared that I get some bad bacterias or virus from this exchange. Hopefully, I’m not in aplasia anymore.

Once in Paris, I go find Paola. I bought her (and myself) a ticket for The Swan Lake on Ice for her birthday. It was really awesome to watch and made me relax and appreciate the beauty of a ballet on ice. Then we went to have diner before going to bed.

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Monday, October 24th

I have two exams at school today. Which I did not really prepare since I was mostly sleeping these past 4 days after chemo. Also, it was quite hard to focus and study in advance the week before that because I wasn’t even sure they were gonna allow me to do chemo on time because of the aplasia.But I don’t think I did poorly so good!

I have another exam early tuesday morning but I started to feel pain in my belly. I ended up not going that day to rest. I feel that this time, chemo really took a big hit on me and I’m just SO TIRED and hurting.

Wednesday, October 26th

I still feel tired but I try to go to a programmation exam (computer sciences). The teacher releases the exam material and I start reading the questions.

I know what they are asking and I know that I know what to answer but I just can’t connect to my brain to answer. It’s like the door to my memories is locked and I don’t have the key. I just hate the feeling and I start panicking.

I’m not the type of student to get poor grades. I don’t think I’ve ever had really really poor grades before…
My heartbeat starts going crazy and I start feeling really weak, like close to pass out. I know I should tell the teacher and reschedule the exam. Everybody would be understanding in my situation but I just don’t know how to quit. I never do !
So I stay !

I cover my eyes with my hands and start breathing slowly to decrease my tachycardia. After 10 minutes of pause, I go back to the exam. I’m still not feeling so well and remembering much but I just try to do my max. Never mind. I won’t get a good grade but at least I did it. I went to that exam while going under chemo treatment and I tried.

Memory problems are common under chemo. It’s called “CHEMO BRAIN” and it sucks! It does! It feels like I miss half of my brain and I often forgot things. I just hope I will regain my full cognitive functions once my treatments are over but I’m kinda scared I won’t.

I still can do most of the things but I used to have like a GREAT memory. And now, I can’t find my glasses or my phone or remember if I took my meds, every day.

Once home, I just start crying. I feel so exhausted and I just hated what I’ve put myself through today. I know anxiety is not good on my body right now which already has to deal with hardcore treatments. And I was so scared to go through this giant black hole of a brain.

I talk with my cancer pals, Soizic and Liza, who tells me that I’ve done already so much and that I should not hate on myself for having some difficulties, that everybody does and that I’m brave to try anyway. And I go to sleep.

Thursday and Friday, October 27-28th

I finish my classes and my last exam and I’m finally on weekend ! My friend Sabrina joins me and we go shopping for Halloween at some Goodwill and vintage stores.

At night, I have a Boston reunion night with my Boston mates! I’m pretty excited to see them. They witnessed what happened to me in live there but I didn’t see most of them yet since we came back to France!

Saturday, October 29th

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This week, I told Mika “Let’s celebrate Halloween” and it turns out he and his roomate, Antoine, are down to host the party. YAY!

I didn’t see much people, especially during aplasia, so now that I can, I’m pretty psych by celebrating and doing social activities when I can!

I choose to do Furiosa, in the Mad Max movie. I did everything by myself and for less than 20 bucks! Pretty proud!

Sunday, October 30th

I’m already back to Marseille. Next chemo is wednesday, November 2nd. I’m not very excited but it’s my LAST one!!
I kind of want to do something funny for the occasion but I’m not sure what! If you have any suggestion, you’re welcome !!

Author: Sally

Sally, 24 years old Multicultural, feminist and horse lover Love to make people laugh, take a stand and solve problems