I’m finally back after a month leave from the blog. I didn’t want to abandon it like I did, nor the writing and sharing. I guess these last few weeks have been pretty rough. I always thought that the hardest part in having cancer and going through treatment would be the physical side effects and the uncertainty of if you gonna end up surviving or not. But it’s actually far from being the only challenge. And it is almost the “easy” part as you don’t have to make much decisions, you are being told what to do…
After-cancer is a mental battle. And that’s what I have been struggling with lately.
According to my psy, I suffer like most of other cancer patients of symptoms like PTSD. I know that sounds pretty funny as I did not got in war zones as veterans. But I kinda went tho, inside my head.
You see, for the past months, I have been living day by day, not making much plan, just to go through each day of treatment and try to make it as best as I can. I didn’t care at all of what would come after that, because I was not sure I would have the chance to be able to make futur plans too far…
When my oncologist told me that my scan was really good and that, if the remission is confirm on my final TEP scan post radiotherapy, which will be on January 19th, I will be finally FREE, I started to get scared. That I wouldn’t be able to go back to normal life.
It’s like the who I was, young, going out with friends, thinking about long term career goals and travels and the who I am during treatment, avoiding bacterias, staying in, resting, trying to not push my body too hard, no smoking, no drinking, no risks are battling.
One is telling the other that she is doing silly stuffs!
So at what point should I come back to the person I was before? Should I even ? Could I ? There’s no real answer according to the psy, only time is needed. I need time to trust my body who once betrayed me. So I can live without all those fears. But how could I really when the oncologist tells you that you will still be monitored at the end of the treatment because relapse occurs. In my case fortunately, relapse risk isn’t very high, but still slightly above 10%. This is not including damage from a tough treatment on the heart, lungs and rest of the organs nor the risk of secondary cancers, increased by the same treatment that save me from dying from the first!
I guess I do need time. Day by day, when feeling better and better, I’ll learn how to trust life again! I’ll learn how to project myself in the future, more and more far everyday.
Don’t get it wrong ! I love not being worry about the day tomorrow, like i could disappear in the time between that. But it is just not really applicable with the life going on. And also I do believe that life consists in wanting stuffs! Being indifferent is like being dead.
Wednesday, November 2nd,
It was my 6th and last chemo !
I went with my parents ! We did an apéro at the hospital with non-alcoholic beers and snacks! And took videos! Maybe I’ll do a little surprise and share it soon !
But white cells were OK but not my red cells! I was in anemia! And close to do a perfusion of blood so it can get back to an OK level! The thing is that since it was my last chemo, it wasn’t critical so I didn’t not do it! But the round because of the anemia went rough!
Red cells are transporting the oxygen and are necessary to be able to breathe, live and move correctly!
I basically spent the entire week in a bed, couldn’t stand up more than few minutes because I was really weak. My parents were trying to feed me some red meat for the iron to help but it was so hard to even get hungry and digest something that difficult!
Hopefully, the shots of Granocyte came at Day 6 to help boost my system and the weekend of November 13th, I was back on my feet!
Sunday, November 13th
I headed to Paris for 10 days of class and exams. Since I wasn’t able to study the day before, I had to catch up a lot of materials in a really limited time! The weekend after, I went out even though I was tired, but I was just really glad to have the occasion to! I drink a bit of alcohol, nothing strong really but I did it! An additional step back to normal life!
Wednesday, November 22nd
After taking my last exam, I went back to get my stuff and left to Marseille! Already!
I cried a little! I was scared to start treatment again after feeling much much better lately and starting to enjoy my life again! Last chemo was already 20 days ago!
Tomorrow, Thursday, November 24th, I start radiotherapy !